Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Press Release: Lionbridge Technologies Announces Innovative Freelance Rate Structure

As part of its mission to bring better service at every-day low prices, Boston-based Lionbridge Technologies (NASDAQ:LIOX) has unveiled an innovative pricing structure designed to align the remuneration of its freelance workforce with the company’s long-term interests. As of April 1, 2012, the company will now tie the rates it pays to its freelancers with the performance of its shares on the stock market. The announcement was made by Didier Hèlin, the company’s VP for vendor management, from an undisclosed location using capital letters cut out by hand from the headlines of Sunday’s Boston Globe which were then glued onto a blank piece of company stationery and mailed to several major news outlets.

For illustrative purposes, a freelancer who earned $0.12 per word of Spanish to English translation in 2007 will now earn $0.06 per word from now on, based on the hair-raising 50% plunge in the company’s market capitalization over the past five years. “We feel it is a very transparent way of linking up our dismal performance as a listed company with the ever-decreasing rates we pay freelancer vendors,” stated chief executive officer Rory Cowan after being tracked down using a court-ordered ankle monitor. “Why should our schmuck shareholders be the only victims of my incompetent leadership?”

The company’s stock—currently rated unanimously by Wall Street analysts as “a worm-ridden dog that should be taken out behind a shed and put out of its rabies-infested misery”—closed yesterday at a price deemed by one amused onlooker as “as close to a penny stock as you can come without actually costing less than one dollar.”

When asked if that meant freelancers would profit if the company’s stock defies the private projections of Wall Street analysts and actually rises, Lionbridge PR VP Mitzy Wallerstein laughed hysterically and blurted out: “Are you kidding?! If we ever pull out of this death spiral, OF COURSE we are going to change this policy. For a freelancer, working with us is tails you lose, heads you lose even worse.”

When reached for comment, self-proclaimed translation visionary and part-time trainspotter Renato Beninatto described the announcement as an “intriguing development” and the potential “first step in the most incredible corporate turnaround story since Ford Motors rolled out the Edsel, Coca-Cola unveiled New Coke, Napoleon Bonaparte returned from Elba, and Hitler invaded Russia.”

Disclaimer: None of this is actually true. This post was written purely for satirical purposes. LIOX CEO Rory Cowan does not wear an ankle monitor, as far as this blog is aware.

Miguel Llorens is a freelance financial translator based in Madrid who works from Spanish into English. He is specialized in equity research, economics, accounting, and investment strategy. He has worked as a translator for Goldman Sachs, the US Government's Open Source Center, and H.B.O. International. To contact him, visit his website and write to the address listed there. You can also join his LinkedIn network by visiting the profile or follow him on Twitter.


Aurora Humarán said...

Thank you, Miguel!

My endorphins

Kevin Lossner said...

Careful Miguel! These jokers will think this is a good idea.

An Ideal Word said...

brilliant! except, obviously this would be dreadful, but thanks for the laugh!

Renato Beninatto said...

I actually think that the implications could far more revolutionary than that, only if this weren't old news :)

Nico Vercesi said...

Hahahhaha, hilarious, as usual!

Gueibor said...

Made my day.
You're the George Carlin of the translation world.
Only, y'know, alive.